Thursday, June 6, 2013

I'm still doing this

Alright, so I figure that I can't post every single day, but I will create some sort of image every day and make up for it the next. Here's a boring picture of the bus. I was sitting in the back for a short ride from Kaimuki to Aina Haina. I don't take the bus very often because most of the time I'm able to use my mother's car to drive around. In fact, my mom didn't even allow me to take the bus by myself until midway through my sophomore year of high school, either out of strained attempts to keep me safe or to contain me to the house (on the bus, I could be going ANYWHERE. Probably to parties. Total ragers). I was going to a friend's house to watch movies and eat food (what else), and I actually really enjoy taking the bus alone.
I have anxiety issues. Whether I am reorganizing my room by myself or walking through Pier 1 with a group of friends, I always feel like there is something else I could be doing. My brain jumps from the present moment to the immediate future, pre-analyzes possible conversations, and burns through every possible occurrence that could disrupt the preconceived idea of how the day is going to play out. I'm trying not to be overly solicitous when doing things with friends or especially harsh on myself when I don't follow a list of tasks I've set for myself for a particular period of time. All of this relates to me riding the bus, I promise. I find that when I'm in transit, whether I am being driven or I am driving myself or I am sitting next to anonymous bus riders in a faint miasma of gasoline and body odor, that is when my anxiety is at its lowest. If I'm not extremely pressed for time, I often enjoy the journey more than the destination. In those moments, I know I have nothing more to do than listen to Broken Bells or The xx or Mutemath and think.
The Bus is bumping and bending through hot metal bodies like a communal, two-segmented caterpillar. I think when I stay at home for too long, the complacency of any-time rest and lull sets in. Being out in town and on my own is one of the most comforting and salubrious experiences, for me.
Quoth the journal, because I said it more eloquently yesterday when I was actually sitting there. I wish I could leave the house more, but I don't have as much independence as I'd like.

I'm going to write another post later with, hopefully, another image.
I leave you with a picture of my dear friend David with whom I got burritos* yesterday (they pretty much fell apart upon being lifted, it was burrito anarchy), attempting to pluck Holocene (Bon Iver) on his fairly new and very gorgeous guitar. Don't worry, David, I've been pretending to know how to play guitar for four years and I can't remember a single song.


*Edit– I originally wrote "with whom I got burritos with," I really need to proof read these posts more carefully BARF, BARFFFFF!!

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