0% Sense at 5% Brainpower

It is 1:05 AM currently, and there are two thoughts on my mind:
1. I went to the beach this afternoon and somehow there is still sand floating around in my eyespace and this needs to stop
2. I technically missed a day of blawg again because it is Tomorrow but I'm okay with that because I made coffee and that's not really a reason but I'm getting there–

HELLO!
I didn't plan&create a picture today. I laid in my bed for about 30 minutes not doing anything but staring at my tri-coloured* walls. Then I took the following pictures:

Overwhelming quality, I know. Look at my sunburnt, slightly acne-marked face. That's the real deal. #nofilter.

So then after faffing** about I suddenly had the desire to draw things, which I don't do very often anymore. Actually I drew religiously when I was a kid. They were horrible, horrible things, and I stopped advancing in the art probably somewhere during eighth grade (which is a dark time for everyone, but more about that later). I just didn't do it anymore. It wasn't replaced immediately with taking pictures, I think. It's a shame, really, because now I completely lack any sort of technique and my hands are quite shaky when it comes to drawin'. To give you an idea of how important drawing used to be to me, I'll let you know that when I was in kindergarden I drew a picture of every Spongebob character I could think of, both major and minor, including the generic fish guy that yells "my leg" and a clam, and I brought them in for show and tell, my eyes no doubt glittering with immense pride and an ardent desire for attention and affirmation. We still have these drawins. There are many.

               

 

               

 

                      

 

"Spochbob."

These are pretty good for a 5 y/o I'm assuming! Anyways, here's what I drew today–

This picture really doesn't do it justice, but I'm not about to go on a boring rant about my autofocusing problems. I didn't want to break out the scanner because then I'd wake up the whole damn house and I want to be consistent with these post things! I'm pretty psyched that I drew this. It's on the second page of my new journal, which I guess is going to include drawings too! The pages are meant for sketches anyways, but I just bought it because I enjoy unlined pages. 

Part of me hates those "In case of loss" pages at the beginning of journals. I WON'T LOSE IT, THAT ISN'T AN OPTION, PAL. I also don't like journal-makers putting words in my mouth. Come on, Moleskin, you're better than that.

And look, I titled this journal! Weird, I've never titled an entire body of work before actually creating it. I took the title from a poem I wrote, which I'll share now...

Can you blame me for wanting to sleep?

Look at these small drops of light

that once flamed but

are now just white echoes

in a pool of ink.

How many, I wonder.

More than I could swallow, or than

could line my stomach.

Hah. I'd glow for one

trillionth of a second

and burst inward–

fall, lifeless, a

swarthy mass of

human possibility.

Can you guarantee me a place among the fine marbles?

Or do I get to choose my own

? I think they'd burn right though insipid skin

(You'd laugh, look how holy I've become).

Where can I find 

some blank space for myself

between the bleached punctuation

??

a pause before a paragraph,

or,

the trench below a question mark.

maybe I can wedge myself into darkness,

waiting for another

interro(big)bang.

I pinky promise that not all of my poerrrtry is this existential and depressing. I revoke that statement, I'll promise with my index finger.

Last thing:

I was going to write more about this but Ezra Koenig is serenading me and I think my pelvis is falling off from sitting in this chair at an awkward angle for five hours. I am terrified of applying to art school because I'm worried it is too expensive and I'm not a talented enough artist in the traditional mediums (hark, drawin') and that what I am really destined to be is an English teacher. I feel like I should just go to a great liberal arts college and spend my life reading books and tormenting teenagers with my sweet diction. This would not be a mistake! But another part of me feels like I would be losing something if I didn't try to make it as an artist/photographer somehow. This fear is paralyzing because I don't think I'm going to actually go anywhere in life besides to the toilet. 

Now if that made any sense give yourself two gold tea bags and a pat on the back! I'm gonna go do bedtime yoga and eat something cheesy.

LOVE FROM YOUR FRIENDLY FRIEND,

ME.

*I spell 'colour' the Brit way because of Neopets. Neopets was my life for a good four years and that's how they spell it. Don't judge me, Judy.
**Okay this is another British term but I only learned it from Charlie McDonnell